The Slut Tradition
If you’ve never had the sheer terror of waking up in a bed that’s not your own, with your first thought being, “I need to get the fuck out of here,” then you haven’t lived. No, I kid, I kid. Bravo.
For those of us keeping up the slut tradition, this one’s for you.
It doesn’t mean that you need to have blacked out and not know how you got into the bed you’re waking up in, although I’m not ruling that out entirely.
But typically the sheer panic mode that endures is due to the inevitable awkwardness that you’ll be forced to replay over and over in your head during your walk of shame.
Unless, of course, you’ve made a ninja-like escape somewhere between the hours of 6 and 7 a.m., in which case it’s safe to assume this isn’t your first rodeo.
But if you do successfully toot it and boot it, you sly dog you, make sure you have all of your stuff with you.
If you end up getting back your forgotten items in the same state you left them in, consider yourself lucky. You were outta there faster than a midget in a dunk contest, and let’s face it, people don’t forget.
You know, I don’t know what it is about bras, but they always end up in places they don’t belong: a kitchen cabinet, a tree.
Sometimes their roommate will discover it and throw it out. That’s 40 bucks I’ll never see again, and it was yellow — so, yeah, that was a ray of sunshine I lost too.
Sometimes, even a repeat hookup can still make you want to get away, maybe even more so, because of that. When morning sex is out of the question, and you really have nothing witty on hand to say, it is simply time to go.
One and done hit it and quit it, lay without pay, I could go on for days here. Lesson learned: don’t be a lingerer. But what exactly is the proper morning-after etiquette to assure you won’t be just that?
Let’s face it, no one looks quite as good as they did the night before. It could be because the beer goggles are gone.
But add that to the sex hair, running makeup and face creases from your pillow, and well, would you look at that. Shit just got real.