Anal Sex Tips & Advice for Making it More Enjoyable for Both Partners
There are a lot of presuppositions and myths about anal sex: Men want it more. It’s not pleasurable for her. Everyone’s doing it apart from you. There’s no such thing as an anal orgasm. So on and so forth.
These sex myths are demonstrably untrue; all they do is expose the fact that people don’t talk about anal sex (oral, penetrative, or otherwise) well enough, because it’s still relatively taboo in mainstream conversation.
But why should this be? As part of a loving relationship, or even as part of a brief and hot encounter, anal sex has a lot to offer. Not to mention, the relative taboo nature of anal is part of its appeal for many participants.
There are two tricky obstacles to overcome. First, how do you initiate it when you want it and second, how do you make anal sex more enjoyable for both of you?
Initiating Anal Sex: Receiving
When you decide you’re ready to receive anal sex, you need to be in control of it from start to finish. That means you need to make it obvious that you want it because your partner might be too uncertain to initiate it without your express permission. The easiest way to tell your partner you want anal sex is, well, to tell them you want anal.
Many people aren’t so good at picking up dropped hints or reading the subtlety of your body language, so telling them directly and explicitly that you want it is the only failsafe approach, plus it means you’re able to talk about things like possible boundaries, previous experiences, etc.
Now, there are two ways to go about this. You can ask your partner explicitly while you’re already having sex, which many people might find feels more comfortable and natural. However, it doesn’t exactly make it easy to have an extended conversation about the aforementioned boundaries or reservations you may have if you’re an anal sex beginner.
You can bring it up beforehand through flirty texting or email, which certainly sets up the anticipation, however it does have two possible drawbacks: one, you may no longer be in the mood when it comes to it, and two, they might think that’s all you want, so they’ll focus on that and leave the rest of your body wanting.
Another approach, particularly as you get more comfortable with anal sex, is to tell your partner by showing; start with self-stimulation (or guiding your partner’s hand) or using a small vibrator made for anal play (i.e.: has a flared base). If you’re trying pegging for the first time and your partner is not used to thrusting, this is a great time to talk about how you usually have sex, and what you think could work and what wouldn’t. (Pegging is usually the act of the female partner penetrating her male partner with a strap-on dildo!)
Initiating Anal Sex: Giving
Does anal sex hurt? Yes, it can. But is anal sex pleasurable? Yes, potentially. But you need to approach it… sensitively.
It should go without saying, but if your partner hasn’t initiated it or said outright that they are open to trying anal sex, you need to ask. Generally speaking, anal stimulation during sex can be somewhat divisive, and ‘just going for it’ is not okay.
So exactly as above, there are several options available: ask them directly during sex or foreplay, bring it up beforehand via text or email, or show your partner what you want by paying their butt some extra attention during foreplay and gauging the reaction.
One of our favourite sex positions for initiating anal sex is in the spooning position. You’re both comfy and relaxed with all bodyweight is supported. Then pull out of her and rub your penis up and down the valley of her butt cheeks; they’ll quickly acknowledge whether it’s ok or not without having to break the mood. But remember, there are no shortcuts and nothing beats good, honest bedroom communication, and good dirty talk does count as good communication.
Make Anal Sex More Pleasurable
While there are those rare times that, like stars aligning, the mood will strike both of you simultaneously and you’ll have the most incredible and satisfying anal sex imaginable, usually there is some preparation required.
Remember that if you’re receiving anal sex (of the penetrative or oral-anal variety), you need to be in control of it, to whatever degree you want. You will need to control the speed and he will need to listen to you, otherwise, it will be uncomfortable and it will stop. The opportunity might be lost until some trust can be rebuilt.
Here are 4 things to try to help make anal sex better.
Position. You already know that all positions are not created equal, so explore some of the anal sex positions that are best for beginners, as they let the receiver take more control.
Lube. You probably already know that lube or a high-quality intimate moisturiser is essential for anal sex. The more the better. Apply enough to squeeze a manatee through a letterbox, and then apply more. The more lube involved, the more pleasurable it will be for both of you. It’s as simple as that.
Condoms. Condoms are great for anal, and not only because they enhance your sexual safety. Condoms actually make anal sex better because their smoothness responds better to lube than skin does. Condoms glide easier, and as a result are more comfortable. What’s more, they can help prevent the thrusting partner from climaxing too soon too.
Anal Sex Toys. Even anal sex experts find a ‘warm up’ to penetrative sex handy, so introducing some anal toys like a butt plug or vibrating prostate massager during foreplay can help ease the transition into anal sex. As a reminder though, any toy that is used anally should have a flared base to avoid it accidentally disappearing inside you, and anything used anally needs to be washed or covered with a clean condom before being used in another orifice. During anal sex, try stimulating your clit or other erogenous zones with a vibrator while you’re having sex to double the intensity of the sensations and build up to a really fulfilling orgasm.
Why Anal and Prostate Play Is Worth Exploring
MDE is excited to feature the writings of several sex and relationship experts from Dr. Ian Kerner’s project, Good in Bed. In this post, we feature Joe Kort PhD, a licensed sex and relationship therapist who specialises in sex therapy, LGBTQ issues. Below he discusses the benefits of prostate play and some of the societal reasons that make straight men hesitate to try anal play.
The Anatomy of Male Pleasure
Men will say they want anal sex, or they want to engage in anal play, but they’re ashamed to tell their girlfriends or their wives. They’re ashamed to ask their partner to explore that with them. And not just because of the reaction they fear from their partner.
Sometimes, men themselves worry that, because they’re interested in anal play, it automatically means they’re gay… or perhaps even bisexual. I like to say to them: ‘your anus doesn’t have a sexual orientation.’ Your worries are unfounded!
Why Both Men and Women Should Be Open to Anal Play in Which the Man is the Receiver
Six Unexpected Male Erogenous Zones
For some men, it may never occur to them to experiment with anal and/or prostate play. Others, however, discover the possibilities for pleasure on their own. They may have used their own fingers to explore their own areas. They may have tried using a dildo or other toy or object. Eventually, they come to realise that solo play is not enough. It occurs to them that, in receiving anal or prostate pleasure, they can be vulnerable. They can feel submissive. They like that idea. They’re just afraid to approach their female partner with their desires because they don’t want to feel humiliated by it.
If a female feels happy to try anal with her partner, to perhaps using a strap-on, she is sometimes pleasantly surprised. Many women report back that they’ve never been so wet in their life. That they felt dominant. That they were never so turned on before. He, meanwhile, was able to be submissive and vulnerable, often for the very first time. It can be a very positive experience for both partners.
In addition to this shift in the power dynamic, many men find the prostate to be a source of great pleasure. In experimenting with prostate play, the end up experiencing more intense, longer lasting orgasms. Sometimes they even find they can have multiple orgasms.
How to Suggest Anal and Prostate Play to Your Partner
The Importance of Communication Skills in Relationships
Before discussing anal play with a partner, men first have to come to terms with their own shame. They have to own the fact that this is something they like. If they come into a conversation with their partner with shame, it will only upset her more. He already has to feel that there’s nothing gay about this.
There are some great books out there that help men come to terms with their own shame. Jack Morin, Ph.D., for example, wrote Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women, and Couples. In it, he writes about how men can come to confront the taboo around anal pleasure and to understand the difference between sexual orientation and erotic orientation. You can be straight and enjoy anal sex. What we like isn’t related to who we are. If you enjoy anal sex, it’s just because you experience erotic pleasure there.
Once you have dealt with your own shame, you can perhaps share with your partner the prevalence of websites that exist showing women giving anal sex to men. Its commonality may be able to help establish its normalcy.
How to Proceed If You’re New to Anal Play
If you enjoy anal pleasure, you can start exploring by using your fingers to pleasure yourself while in the shower. Start with one finger and, slowly, move up to two fingers, and then three, and then four, and so on. If your partner is willing to play, have her use lubricant on her fingertips. Either way, you can prep your back door by gently massaging the area around your anus before sliding a finger inside. If it feels good, explore further. Take things slow. Your anus will likely need time to adjust to this new sensation.
The 5 Best Positions for Exploring Anal Sex
The prostate itself is a chestnut-sized area located about three inches up the front wall of the anal canal. Just as with the g-spot, you or your partner can stimulate your prostate by making a “come hither” gesture with the finger that’s inside you.
In addition to fingers, you could also have your partner use her tongue back there, or a toy. Though once you do start using other objects back there, make sure they’re intended for use in anal play. Anal toys often have flared bases or handles, making them less likely to get stuck inside you. The television remote control, on the other hand, is not a thing you should stick up your butt.
If you’re interested in pegging, you can use a dilator to gently expand the anus, getting it ready for the kind of anal sex you might have if your partner plans to use a strap-on. In the end, you can rest assured that there are more straight men that enjoy anal play than like to admit it. Once you are able to normalise this desire, you can really start to enjoy yourself.
To Sum Up
The most important part of enjoying better anal sex, or any kind of sex for that matter, is talking. The most sensitive erogenous zone is between the ears, stimulate that one and the sex will always be mind-blowing.