Feature: Variations on the ‘Missionary Position!’

Variations on the ‘Missionary’

When was the last time your fuck of the night bit your ear and whispered, “How do you want it?” and you responded, “Baby, give it to me in missionary. I really want to just lie there and take it like a little bitch, you bad boy.”

Let’s face it, it’s convenient, simple and it gives at least 50 percent of the hookups the option of getting in a quick nap. But, there really isn’t anything very exciting about the old mish posish.

I don’t know about you, but in school, I am definitely not just trying to pass with the bare minimum, and it’s no different when I’m in bed — A+ or nothing.

Unless you’re warming up your mojo or trying to get by with Sex for Dummies, I’m going to have to give missionary a low C.

Students, get out your notepads because I’m about to teach you how to fuck up the entire class’s sex curve with some easy-to-handle variations on some old classics.

Let’s first start with some simple maneuvers born out of the original lame sex culprit itself.


So you know when a rabid monkey jumps on your face and wraps its tiny little man-legs around your head? Yeah, girls, you know what I’m talking about, wrap your legs around his body like an orangutan on heat. Oh, and here’s a novel idea, push back!

What kills me the most about missionary is that the chick often just lies there like a beached fish.

He might as well be fucking a corpse, which, nasty as it is, is a kink for some. So make like an upside-down, super-malleable pepper grinder and work him back.

Another easy hop, skip and a fuck away from missionary involves grabbing her legs and moving them around and go for the climax…

There are hundreds of Crazy Arse sex positions out there so I’ve narrowed it down to a few (realistic) personal favorites that branch off from the go-to moves you already have in your itinerary.

I really think most people stick to the basics because they’re intimidated by crazy shit like headstands and busting your nut from across the room while your girlfriend’s humping some phallic vegetable with a sock in her mouth.

Now, we all know and love reverse cowgirl. It’s not too crazy but wild enough to make it feel dangerous. Alright, hold that thought.

The guy should slide to the edge of the bed and put his feet on the floor while still lying down; then girls, sit on his member in the same position as we just discussed (backward), but this time standing, using the floor for leverage. Then switch. Guy sits up and the girl puts her hands on the floor.

Moving forward, or should I say continuing backward, is a variation on your favorite backdoor move. Instead of humping her in the style of a dog, push her down flat on her stomach with her legs straight and together. She’ll be super tight and you’ll feel super satisfied.

Consider this a preliminary syllabus, there are obviously countless more ways to put your imagination and lube to good use. Don’t be embarrassed to try something new.

Remember, class, coming shouldn’t be the only reason you’re having sex. You know what they say: getting there is half the fun and a journey of a thousand orgasms begins with one experimental step.

Return to Features/Wordoodle’s/Poems and Prose

Copyright © 2017 Mark Darcy All rights reserved

Leave a Reply